


That Non-Existent Summer

by hopelesslyromanticshippertrash



Category: Rick and Morty
Genre: Exploring Sexuality, F/M, M/M, Sexuality Crisis
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-04-04
Updated: 2016-09-01
Packaged: 2018-05-31 01:42:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 6,178
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6450355
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hopelesslyromanticshippertrash/pseuds/hopelesslyromanticshippertrash
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jerry is left confused and bewildered that he can't stop thinking about Sleepy Gary or a summer that never actually happened. What does it mean for his marriage and his sexuality?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Stuck in My Head

At first, Jerry didn't think it too naive of him that he thought he could shake off the Sleepy Gary thing. Beth after all, had false memories of him as her husband and somehow she seemed to get over it pretty quickly. They had an awkward conversation in which Jerry asked her, and she said it was like having a really vivid dream - at first, it seemed like it was your reality, but by the end of the day you could barely remember what had even happened.

"What was your memory? Boozing it up and talking about girls?" She'd asked flippantly.

Jerry had laughed awkwardly and agreed. 

Yet when they went to bed that night, as he lay in the darkness listening to her gentle sleep breathing, all he could think of when he closed his eyes was Sleepy Gary. How did the memories still feel so crystal clear for him? It had been just over a week, and every other member of the Smith-Sanchez household had gone back to the usual chatter and insanity (in Rick's case anyway). 

He let each scene replay in his head, feeling the tingle of the ocean breeze rush over him as if he were sat on the boat for real. Gary's soft, slightly lopsided smile and how it turned his stomach into butterflies, the velvety husk of Gary's voice as he told Jerry not to be scared, the secret smiles they had shared as they made their way under deck to the tiny bed. 

He let out a breath he didn't realise he had been holding, feeling his cock twitch and begin to stiffen as he remembered Gary's hand deftly working it that quiet afternoon, the man's lips both rough and soft on Jerry's neck in a way that drove him over the edge. Afterward, Gary had spooned him and Jerry had felt the weight of burden he didn't realise he had being lifted as he whispered "I didn't know. I didn't know that I liked men."

They had spent the rest of that wonderful summer making sweet, passionate love. It was their secret, their wonderful, beautiful secret. Gary knew that Jerry wasn't ready for anyone to know how he felt about men, and every time someone made a reference to either of them finding a girlfriend, Gary laughed it off easily, and shot Jerry a kind look. 

It twisted Jerry's heart in a way he couldn't begin to describe, and he hated himself for letting Gary go because he wasn't ready to be out. When he bumped into his old high school friend Beth in a supermarket one day, he knew with a thudding in his stomach that the husband Gary she referred to was his Gary. 

How strange that she should have the same taste in men as Jerry did, and that Jerry and Gary should have the same taste in women - in the false memory, Beth had been an unrequited high school crush of Jerry's.


	2. Just One Click

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jerry feels compelled to explore his sexuality, but what if Beth finds out?

It was funny really, how something so innocent could become so confusing in a second. In a click.

Jerry had never been one to believe in destiny. It wasn't having a pragmatic surgeon wife and a no nonsense scientist father in law, he'd always felt that way. Even the accidental pregnancy that had led to him somehow hitching up his trousers and proposing to Beth at 18 in an attempt to be a man, be an adult, be responsible. He didn't think that was fate, but a choice he had made.

Tonight's choice was the result of an absentee family. Beth was desperately trying to save some horses that had escaped and been hit on the highway ("it's a bloodbath Jerry, I don't know when I'll be home," she'd said on the phone, sounding harried). Summer was off at one of her usual teen sleepovers, and Morty of course, swept off in another adventure with Rick. 

The silence of the house had loomed before Jerry with nothing but the languid, punctual ticking of the clock, and the computer caught his gaze across the lounge. It was the family "old reliable", which Jerry had bought for Summer and Morty to do homework research on, but which mostly seemed to be used by Beth for online grocery shopping. Jerry found himself sitting down and booting it up, questions of what exactly he was going to look at making their way to the forefront of his mind as he waited for it to load.

A family photo of Beth and the kids caught his eye and his stomach flipped. This felt so dishonest. He loved her. He was going to tell her, he had to. But he didn't know how. That was probably one of their biggest problems, Beth wanted him to open up. Jerry couldn't help but feel if he did, too much would come out. 

He opened up a search engine and it stared blankly at him.

Slowly, as if propelled by some force stirring from within, he began to type. Gay dating sites. Click.

Strange male face after face stared at him. This wasn't right. These were just guys he'd pass on the street or who'd serve him in the bank. Tall, short, skinny, muscular, beards, preened eyebrows. 

Jerry turned off the computer. This was ridiculous. None of these men were Sleepy Gary, and Sleepy Gary wasn't even Sleepy Gary because he wasn't real.

Or...

What if he was?

Jerry ran up the stairs, busting their bedroom door open. A soft, sweet whiff of Beth's perfume hit him as he fumbled for the closet (hah). He rummaged his way through old jackets and receipts til he could yank out a big cardboard box. Underneath photo album after photo album there it was, the old yearbook. 

Like a man possessed, Jerry furiously scanned page after page, before having a brain wave and turning to the page with Beth's class. 

Was there anyone, anyone at all who might even resemble his Gary? The crooked smile, the soft kind voice - 

"Jerry?"

Beth stood in the doorway, her hands in her trench coat pockets. Her hair was a little frizzy from the rain, her face written with tired eye bags and confusion. 

"What are you doing?"


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jerry tells Beth the truth, but neither of them really know what to do with it.

"Oh, hello, sweetie!" Jerry could hear the barely restrained awkwardness in his voice and swallowed as Beth hung up her coat on the bedroom door and made for the bed to sit down. "I was just reminiscing." He fiddled awkwardly with the yearbook pages for a moment, then let them drop out of his fingers. "How-how are the horses?"

Beth let out a weary sigh and Jerry could tell it had been one of the harder days. "We saved three out of the four horses." She wrenched off her shoes and threw them a little away from her where they clunked heavily on the carpet.

"75% saved, Jerry. It's not nearly good enough."

For once, Jerry had the presence of mind not to say something light and breezy. He clumsily got to his feet to sit on the bed beside her and put his arm around her. "I'm sorry Beth." She let her head rest on his shoulder for a moment, her blonde hair falling forward a little, then straightened up.

"Jerry." Her voice had abruptly changed tone. "I think we need to talk."

"I'm all ears," he said easily, then followed her gaze to the yearbook on the floor. "Ah. Look Beth, it's not what you think."

"What do I think?"

"I-I don't know. Honestly, Beth, I was just looking through old faces, thinking of maybe putting together a reunion of sorts!"

"You can never be honest with me, can you?" Beth stood up, and Jerry opened his mouth, looking for words as she put her hands on the dressing table, then turned back to face him. "Ever since, ever since Dad's weird fiasco with the false memories-" her voice faltered a little but she tightened her mouth. "I've heard you saying Sleepy Gary's name in your sleep."

She sat heavily back down on the bed as Jerry's mouth fell open. "Every night, Jerry. Why don't you tell me what he really was to you?"

"Beth, it's not what you-" Jerry clenched his fist. No, he couldn't lie again. He looked at her, taking in how her face had changed from confused hurt to concern. "I-I'm sorry. You should know the truth."

Jerry pulled up his gaze from his lap to staring at the wall as he tried to make the words come together.

"It's so ridiculous. I've told myself over and over that it wasn't real. I mean - you, and-and the kids - you were all able to forget and move on, or it seemed that way? And this - thing with Sleepy Gary never even happened."

"What...happened?" Beth's tone was soft and her hand on his arm. The reassuring touch wasn't something he got from Beth often and he felt a surge of guilt and anger at his own inability to tell her the truth earlier.

"We had this summer together...in France. Before you two got 'married'."

"A summer together?" He watched Beth's face ticking and then her mouth slowly opening. "You mean...a relationship?"

"It was more like a summer romance," Jerry said quickly, inwardly wincing at how little 'summer romance' actually did justice to it.

Beth let out a frustrated groan. "Only my dad could bring messed up aliens into our life that would make my _husband_ have false memories of a male lover!"

They were both quiet for a beat, then another.

"Have you been thinking of him all this time?" she asked softly. 

Jerry met her gaze. It was the most bittersweet mixture of pain and sympathy. It twisted his heart, and her silent probing questions left him feeling naked.

"I-I'm not gay."

"Loving him doesn't mean you don't love me," she said.

He stood up, throwing his hands in the air in frustration. "Why are you so calm about this? None of it even happened, and it's left me feeling utterly turned upside down. I feel like he was real, like I need to find him. Isn't that ridiculous?"

He kicked at the yearbook, hating Beth's look of pity as she realised what he'd been doing.

"Jerry, sit down."

He sat.

"Let's just be honest here, okay? This thing is clearly eating you up. Maybe we should just talk to my dad, and -"

"No. And what, tell him that his son in law wants his fictional male lover back?!" 

"I don't know what you want from me Jerry! This isn't exactly a walk in the park for me either." Beth stood up. "I'm getting ready for bed. I think this is something you need to work out yourself."

Jerry watched her go, sitting in the silence for a moment, his brain whirring in the background as he heard her begin her nightly bathroom routine.

_"No matter what happens, we'll work this out together, Jerry."_

Those had been Gary's words to him as their wonderful summer had approached its end. 

"We'll see about that," he murmured.


	4. Do What You Need to Do

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jerry finds himself in a gay bar.

"Do whatever you need to do, Jerry," had been Beth's exasperated response when Jerry had tried to talk to her again about the Sleepy Gary fiasco. 

That was how he found himself walking his city streets that Friday night. They were taking him in the direction of a gay bar called Spectrum that had often caught his eye but he'd never gone in. 

Once again, the whole Smith-Sanchez family had plans, Beth was seeing an old high school friend (no doubt to pour out her worries about their marriage, Jerry thought with a painful pang in his chest), and Summer and Morty were off on another crazy adventure with Rick. 

'In comparison, what I'm doing is positively seedy,' Jerry thought to himself. 'But maybe I'm not being fair. Beth and I have been married for 16 years now, and I've never strayed. Maybe an open marriage is what we need.'

His train of thought came to a halt as he realised he was approaching the bar. The pink neon sign seemed to scream luridity but somehow his feet were still moving, taking him up to the door, through a dingy corridor and into the bar. 

It wasn't quite as stereotypical as he had pictured. There was a tiled dancefloor, but no disco ball or over the top rave lighting. Men swayed and bobbed to the music, he caught glimpses of skinny arms, pierced ears, vest tops. Some burlier men stood at the side, chatting. One caught his eye and smiled. 

Jerry smiled awkwardly back, trying not to look as terrified as he felt. Dancing was out. There was something too open about it, too expressive and "out" that Jerry couldn't handle right now. He made for the bar and awkwardly clambered onto a stool.

The bartender, a bald moustachioed man with beefy arms, finished polishing a glass and turned to him.

"What can I get you?"

Jerry froze again. What to get? Something fruity? What was he even doing here? 

"Er, beer. A pint."

"This one okay?"

The man gestured to a tap and Jerry nodded. He didn't even care at this point.

He glanced to the end of the bar and saw a heavily pierced man and a pink haired man deep in conversation. Their voices were too low for Jerry to hear but a jolt ran through him as he saw one man tenderly brush his fingers over the other man's hand. Instantly he was back in the south of France, Sleepy Gary lightly skimming his fingers over the top of his hand, directing him a soft lazy smile that stirred something within.

"Hi there."

Snapped back to his surroundings, Jerry looked up to see a man in his forties. He resembled what Jerry vaguely seemed to remember reading about - a...bear, was it? The older, well built "cuddly" gay men. The man had round cheeks, a kind smile and a light sheen of sweat on his forehead that Jerry would have guessed was the result of dancing.

"H-Hi," he returned, suddenly feeling every bit the uncool awkward loser. Which wasn't surprising since he'd felt that way most of his life.

"You new here?" The man shuffled awkwardly and gestured vaguely to the dance floor behind him.

Jerry nodded, and even the two second silence between them seemed too much somehow.

"Want to dance?"

Jerry shook his head politely. "No. Thanks. I don't dance."

"Are you sure?" The man leaned forward hopefully and Jerry felt his defences tightening. 

"Yes! Er, yes. Please excuse me."

He hurried to his feet, grateful that he'd remembered where the bathroom was.


	5. A Chance Encounter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jerry panics at the gay bar, but bumps into a stranger and conversation ensues

"Fuck, fuck fuck. Fuck." 

Jerry wanted to laugh, and scream, and cry. Imagine if Rick could see him now. He probably didn't think Jerry could get any more ridiculous, but here he was, sat on the floor of a toilet stall in a gay bar.

"I need to go home," Jerry said to himself. It came out almost a cross between a whine and a sigh. Heavily he clambered to his feet, and opened the door, only to see a slim, dark haired man smiling half sympathetically at him.

"First time on the gay scene, huh?"

"I-I didn't think anyone else was in here," Jerry said, sounding pathetic even to his own ears. 

The man smiled kindly, and touched Jerry's arm comfortingly. He looked a little like Sleepy Gary, the slightly lopsided cuteness, and Jerry felt his heart lift a fraction.

He managed to produce his classic 'I'm an idiot and I know it' smile. "Sorry you had to hear that. I guess this is all pretty new to me."

The man nodded understandingly. "I get it. I don't normally hit up these sorts of places, but it's good to get out once in a while."

There was a silence, this one less terrifying than the last with the guy at the bar.

"Maybe I could buy you a drink? I'm Josh."

Jerry's hesitation filled the room but he slowly nodded. "Sure. Could we maybe go somewhere else?"

"Guy from the dancefloor hit on you too huh?" 

Josh's amusement was kind, and Jerry felt the first genuine smile break out on his face all night.

"And here I thought it was just me. Clearly I'm not as special as I thought," Jerry laughed easily as they made their way out of Spectrum.


	6. One Hell of a Dream

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jerry tries to explain Sleepy Gary to his new friend.

"I just-" Jerry broke off to laugh a little. "I don't want you to think I'm totally bonkers." 

Jerry and Josh were now sat in a dimly lit corner of a quiet, much less flashy bar on a street corner. Josh had been playing with nut kernels as Jerry recounted his regular history, and they'd quickly reached the question of Jerry's first (albeit brief) time at Spectrum.

"Well, gee, Jerry, now I'm just ten times more intrigued."

Jerry laughed again, and took a drink of his beer. How was it he felt such an instant connection with this guy? It was unlike anything he'd ever felt before. He felt so quickly at ease, and intoxicated in a way he knew wasn't from the beer.

"Okay." He took a deep breath. "Brace yourself."

Slowly, he began to explain Beth's crazy dad Rick who had crash landed back into her life, and brought with him a whole host of crazy supernatural goings on. He slowly, painfully, started recall the parasites - parasites that implanted false memories. 

As he made himself say Gary's name, and then recount their summer - the look on Josh's face changed almost imperceptibly to one of quiet sympathy, that threatened to unsteady Jerry. He let himself well up a little, could hear the emotion in his voice as he told Josh of the soft, slow sweet kisses, the kisses of dizzying passion after nights out when they'd stumble back into the yacht, desperate to touch and feel and taste each other. The pain when they'd finally parted ways, and the numbing confusion when he learned that Gary had married.

Jerry finally finished his story, and awkwardly took a drink, realising how much of his soul he'd just laid bare. He began to push nut kernels around the table, and was just about to speak when Josh finally opened his mouth.

"Wow, Jerry. Thank you. That can't have been easy." He paused a moment, then dipped his head to the side. "It was brave of you to come to Spectrum tonight."

"No one's ever called me brave before," Jerry blurted out. He'd thought of visiting Spectrum as a lot of things - confusing, exciting, terrifying. He'd never considered that it was a brave thing to do.

"You said you told your wife," Josh said, and Jerry realised it wasn't just himself the alcohol was having an effect on.

An image of her blonde hair and disapproving eyes came to Jerry's mind and he mentally batted it away.

"I don't want to think about her tonight. She said....she said I could do what I needed to do."

The implication of Jerry's words hung heavily over the table between them both, and Jerry stood up a little unsteadily. 

"I'm just going to the bathroom. Be right back."

When Jerry got back he could see Josh shrugging on his jacket, his back to him. Heart in his mouth, for a moment Jerry thought the man was planning to sneak off and the pain thumped bitterly in his ribcage.

But he turned around, with a tentative, but friendly smile, and Jerry let out a breath silently.

"I don't know what your plans were now," he began hesitantly, and Jerry felt his pulse accelerate. "But maybe you'd like to come back to mine?"

Jerry hated the relief he felt knowing that Beth was staying over at her friend's. No need to make an awkward call, send a transparently dishonest text. He nodded.

As they slowly walked back towards Josh's flat, Josh opened up about his own past loves and experiences. Jerry was so unused to understanding each emotion and experience he described yet knowing he'd never truly experienced it in reality filled him with a deeper and deeper yearning. 

Josh gently took his hand when they were almost there, and by the time they reached the building all Jerry could do was gaze at Josh's frame just a step in front. All he could think of as they got into the lift was how much he wanted to kiss him. He barely heard Josh say "It's only the tenth floor, nearly there."

Each step rang with anticipation as the doors parted and they made the short walk to his flat.

"Well, this is me," Josh tried to smile, and then - "I've been wanting to kiss you all night."

He turned to put the key in the door, and had barely gotten inside when Jerry was behind him, turning to push him up against the other side with a frenetic, needy kiss.

Jerry felt years of confusion fizzing off him like steam as he mashed his lips against Josh's. He was doing this. He needed to do this. 

Josh met him kiss for kiss, spinning him round and aggressively slamming his back right up against the wooden frame, attacking his neck with hot passionate open mouthed kisses that left Jerry gasping into each moan.


	7. The Man I've Always Been

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jerry wrestles with his feelings after spending the night with Josh, and remembers his conversation with Gary at the end of their summer together

_"I can't believe that it's almost over." Jerry shook his head with a little laugh, a mixture of sadness and wry disbelief. He raised his glass of wine to take a sip, and admired the slither of Gary's tanned chest peeking out from his unfastened cotton shirt for the thousandth time that afternoon._

_"I know," Gary responded softly. A beat. "It's been a good summer though, hasn't it?"_

_"The best," Jerry said immediately. He felt a sharp tug of pain at the finality of the moment as he put his glass on the table, and even though they weren't leaving until tomorrow he had spoken before he could stop himself. "You made me feel things I've never felt before."_

_He wanted to take them back immediately, the twisted expression of sympathy and love and sadness on Gary's face bringing a lump to his throat._

_"I wanted to hold your hand in front of everyone, you know. Kiss you in front of everyone." Gary's voice was thick with emotion._

_"I know. I'm sorry. I wanted to too." Jerry placed his hand over Gary's. The warm breeze ruffled both their hair and Jerry knew he had to seize the moment. "Come back with me. Please."_

_"Jerry..."_

_"Look, we-we can get a crummy little flat together! We'll get office jobs we hate and look for better ones." Jerry laughed at how crazy he sounded but ploughed on. "I want to be with you."_

_"You're not ready, Jerry." Jerry flinched, and Gary's hand tightened on his. "I want to be with you, but not if I can't tell people we're together. Not if I can't hold your hand like this in cafes and restaurants and on the subway."_

_"I could try," Jerry said, but his voice was small and he knew he wasn't even fooling himself. He could feel his eyes welling and desperately willed himself not to cry._

_"Look at me Jerry. The person you're running from now, it's not something you don't want to become. It's something you've always been."_

 

 

Jerry felt Josh stir behind him and the memory he'd been recalling on waking slowly began to fade. 

'It's something you've always been' Gary said to him. In Jerry's case maybe that wasn't so true. He'd gone through all of his teens furtively masturbating to Playboy, asking out girls (getting shot down most of the time) and daydreaming (and furtively masturbating) over Beth, the beautiful blonde in his year who always had posters of horses in her locker and lots of science projects on the go. 

Still. Then the summer with Gary had happened in his early twenties and he remembered all the sneaky glimpses of other men he'd taken in urinals, how he'd insisted Beth go to see Brokeback Mountain with him ("because it was nominated for so many awards"), the number of times he'd imagined another man jerking him off as he pleasured himself. Somehow, he'd never dwelt on much of it, but maybe more of the seeds had been there than he realised.

And now Josh was spooning him, and Jerry was quietly terrified at how much every cell in his body was soaring with joy, delight, pleasure. It felt so good, so right. Jerry had tried to avoid asking Beth to spoon him much, he liked to feel strong and reassuring to her, and was afraid of her seeming embarrassed by his vulnerability. But now it felt so safe and he felt so loved to be tightly held by another man.

Jerry's eyes opened and he felt the relaxation suddenly drain from his body. Beth. Shit. What time was it?


	8. Trying to Make Sense of It All

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jerry tries to work out what to do with the storm of emotions inside him after his night with Josh

Jerry was so grateful for one thing when he got home the next morning. That even though it was pushing 11.30am, Rick, Morty and Summer were still off on their adventure. He got home to find Beth quietly drinking coffee at the kitchen table. She had got dressed, and brushed her glossy blonde hair, but was makeup free, and her emotion filled face looked younger somehow.

Jerry could almost feel everything of last night still on him, the alcohol (he probably smelt of it), the touch of another person on him in the night. He was still wearing last night's clothes, and standing in their family kitchen he felt every inch the sleaze and homewrecker.

"Jerry." Beth sounded more physically tired than emotionally, but her voice still cut through him, a knife of guilt. "I was going to call the police if you weren't home within the next half hour."

Fuck.

He hadn't even thought about the fact she didn't know where he was. What would she even have told the police? The thought made him cringe to his very core - Beth, Rick and the kids standing in their kitchen while Beth awkwardly explained her husband had probably last been at a gay bar?

"Sorry. I-I didn't mean to, I hadn't realised the time." Jerry let out a long, deep sigh, not even attempting to disguise it for Beth's benefit. "I know we need to talk. I should probably take a shower first though."

Beth nodded distractedly as if she hadn't even fully processed his crumpled state, and in an uncharacteristic move, Jerry stepped forward and placed his hand against her head, kissing her on the top of her crown. She seemed a little less intimidating to him now, but maybe that was because everything felt different.

He couldn't have been in the shower for more than ten minutes or so, but it felt like so much longer, his mind swirling with thoughts. He hadn't told Beth but his need for a shower wasn't that he felt dirty but more a need to try and wipe off the night, especially Josh's hands on him. Not that they hadn't felt good, they'd felt so good. Too good. 

Fuck.

Beth was waiting for him in their bedroom when he got out, and he quickly pulled on some clothes from a messy pile in the corner of the room. He caught a faint whiff of one of Beth's perfumes from the dressing table nearby and wondered if she'd worn it to go out last night. Where had she gone? He realised he hadn't even thought to ask.

"Jerry," Beth said, jerking him out of his reverie. "I don't know what you were doing last night." She swallowed. "I mean, I have an idea." His heart leapt into his mouth as she met his eyes but she went on. "But I need to suggest something I've been thinking about for a while."

He sat down on the bed as she said this, sensing it was going to be a big statement. "I think we need to consider the possibility of an open marriage."

"Beth-"

"You and I have been trying to make this marriage work for a long time, Jerry," she said more firmly. "And I don't know." She laughed a wry laugh and threw her hands up. "Maybe we should have quit a long time ago. But," she went on more softly now, "I think we still need each other. And maybe the opportunity to date other people too would help. I love you Jerry. But...I feel like there are things I need in a relationship that you can't give me. And now there's obviously something I can't give you either."

Jerry felt like he was free falling down a deep hole. This was what he had wanted, wasn't it? But it felt like everything was spinning out of his control.

"What-what about the kids?" He realised he'd barely seen them over the last few days, they'd been doing things and his mind had been so wrapped up in everything. They probably hadn't really noticed but he wondered if they had and felt guilty.

"They shouldn't know. We don't even know what we're doing yet, it's not like we can tell them." She said it in a tone that made Jerry think it was a thought she'd been running through her head for a while.

"Yeah, but," Jerry laughed humourlessly. "You don't think they'll notice if we're bringing people home? I don't want to lie to my own kids!"

"Fine, Jerry," Beth snapped. "You tell them you were with a man last night! Go ahead!" She gestured to the door so convincingly that Jerry started guiltily, convinced Morty or Summer had been standing in the door frame the whole time.

 

Dinner that night was strained, the tension only reduced by Summer, Morty and Rick eagerly telling Beth about their journey into the heart of Joos-Joos, and how Summer had been made the queen of their tribe, only stripped of her title when she revealed that she couldn't wait for the next Macy's sale (consumerism was a big no no in Joos-Joos).

Jerry barely had the energy to look interested, but felt guilty when Rick kept side-eyeing him, unable to miss the confusion buzzing in the atmosphere between him and Beth. He remembered to check his phone after dinner, and there was a text from Josh.

**Keep thinking about last night. Hope you're ok. Call me. J x**


	9. A Mess of Emotions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jerry confronts Rick, and runs back to Spectrum to see Josh

Cowardice was a bad habit for Jerry. For some people it was smoking, or drinking, or gambling. He didn't know when it had started. He had always been so rubbish at confrontation, at most things actually. Cowardice was like an ugly jacket that he didn't like, but it fitted him so easily that he often put it on without thinking about it.

That was why he had been trying to sneak out of the house at 9 o clock to go meet Josh.

"Jerry." 

Jerry winced at the rough uneven voice of his father in law. His hand was on the front door handle, he'd almost made it. Damn.

He straightened up as best he could and turned back. 

"Rick. I'm just going out for a bit."

"W-hic-here are you going, Jerry?"

Jerry sighed and shook his head. Then he laughed a little, softly. 

"This whole mess is your damn fault you know." He didn't even wait for Rick to respond, jabbing him lightly but angrily in the chest. "You and your goddamn science experiments Rick."

"Oh yeah? T-tell me Jerry, wh-hic-ich one did I ruin your life with? Enlighten me."

"The one that made me realise that I like men, Rick!" Rick's eyebrows shot up, Jerry ploughed on, unable to stop now. "Sleepy Gary! Remember him, Rick? Our dear family friend. My fictional lover!"

He couldn't bear to hear anything from Rick, even if it was sympathy, and turned to leave, the cold air wrapping him like a blanket as he darted into the night.


	10. The Big Night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Beth allows Jerry to bring Josh to dinner. Things get interesting.

The next few days passed in a quiet confused haze for Jerry. He had poured his heart out to Josh and the other man had been so kind and understanding. Josh had suggested it was best for both of them to have a bit of space while Jerry figured out what he wanted to do, which was the whole problem really. Jerry had no idea. 

After a few days of the most painfully awkward polite distance between him and Beth, she finally broke the silence and they spent one night having a long whispered conversation in bed about all their thoughts and feelings about the marriage. They had by no means come to a solution, but Jerry had told Beth she could see other people if she wanted to (she said she'd think about it) and Beth had suggested that Josh could come to dinner one night when Rick and the kids were "off gallivanting".

"I should probably know something about the man my husband is sleeping with," she managed to joke. 

And so, after a long conversation to convince Josh that no, Beth was not going to tie him up and cut off his dick, Josh very reluctantly agreed to give it a go.

The whole thing left Jerry a bag of nerves. Beth had bought the ingredients to make her speciality, chicken chasseur. She'd bought two bottles of wine (an excellent idea given how much of an anxious wreck they were all going to be, Jerry thought) and she was even dressing herself up more than usual (Jerry couldn't tell if this was jealousy, pride or both).

Just as Jerry was contemplating screaming and running down to the garage to kill himself with one of Rick's many "do not touch" contraptions, the doorbell rang. 

Jerry and Beth exchanged deer in the headlights expressions and he made for the door.

Josh.

Wow.

For two seconds Jerry forgot everything in the universe except the fact that the most beautiful man he had ever seen was standing before him, white shirt unbuttoned a little, the moonlight perfectly outlining his jaw.

He came back to himself pretty quickly when he noticed behind Josh's gorgeous eyes was a familiar trapped look. The poor man looked like he wanted to jump right out of his shirt and run far far away.

"Hey," Jerry said, relieved that it came out as relaxed as he wanted it to sound.

"Hey," Josh replied and Jerry could hear the note of anxiety under the friendliness. "I brought wine." He held up his hands at the same moment to present the bottle and Jerry realised he hadn't even noticed it. He took it with a "thank you", smiling a little to himself at the thought that Josh had unwittingly mirrored Beth in trying to prepare for the evening. Maybe he did have a type after all.

He gestured for Josh to step into the house, the nervous small talk he would have normally babbled temporarily faded to the back of his mind as he watched Josh take off his jacket and shoes and realised all over again how strange it was to be bringing this new thing and experience and feeling all wrapped up in this person, into his life, into his home. 

Everything went into slow motion as Jerry led Josh towards the kitchen, the wine bottle taking the brunt of his tension as he clenched his fist tightly around the slim neck.

Beth had her back to them and Jerry didn't consider until later that perhaps she was giving herself a pep talk, wiping away a stray tear or trying to contain any giveaway signs that she felt humiliated or sad. 

When she turned to greet them her face wore only a hint of fear, and Jerry knew that only he would notice that because twenty years of being with Beth had attuned him to her most subtle facial giveaways. 

"Josh. It's lovely to meet you at last."

Josh couldn't conceal his surprise, and neither could Jerry, although he had a few seconds to put the wine bottle on the counter top and buy himself some time.

"D-Do you say that to every man who sleeps with your husband?"

Beth's round "O" of shock would have been comical to Jerry if he weren't already making the exact same face.

"Fuck. Sorry," Josh blurted. "I had a shot or two of vodka before I came here, for courage."

The frozen silence was almost a second too long for Jerry, but then it began to thaw as the sound of Beth's laughter filled the small room. She had always had a beautiful laugh, and the tension instantly dissolved.

"Me too," she managed. 

As Beth and Josh began exchanging stories about what they did for a living, and Beth began discussing what she'd made for dinner, totally at ease, Jerry realised silently that something had changed in the atmosphere beyond the immediate tension. He couldn't quite put his finger on it, but he felt that the three of them might actually have a nice dinner together.


End file.
